Lauren Rae

I have been struggling a lot lately with regrets in regards to Willie. I keep replaying the night we put him down over and over again. What if I had taken him to the vet a few days earlier? A week earlier? Did I miss his signs that he was sick? Was it something I did wrong?

I know this isn't healthy and isn't going to help me heal but fuck, I miss him. The void he left is excruciatingly painful. It almost doesn't even feel real. I know he's gone, I know we cremated him and his ashes are on his shelf. But it doesn't feel real.

I know "time heals all wounds" but, does it really?

I don't think it does.

I don't think I will ever heal.

So, about a month ago my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument and he just about left me. After much talking I have decided to go to therapy. I have never looked at therapy as a bad thing. I think nothing but good things come from therapy. A little background on why I believe I will benefit from it:

I grew up in a very loving home with 2 very wonderful parents. My father worked full time to provide for us and my mother worked full time and took care of me and my brother. However, despite all of the love my brother and I got, there was no love between my parents. I am going to be 36 years old next year and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, remember seeing my parents hug or kiss. I don't ever remember hearing "I love you" from either one of them to each other. Now, don't get me wrong, I adore my mother, but I have spent much of my adult life listening to my mother complain about my father. So naturally I have subconsciously grown up thinking that is a healthy, normal, relationship. And it's not.
So flash forward 30 something years and I have found myself treating my wonderful boyfriend the same way my mother treats me father. Not good. Not acceptable. I have always, ALWAYS, said I never wanted a relationship/marriage like the one my parents have. So I found a therapist and after the new year will begin seeing her. I am open to medications. I know I probably need to be on some sort of a mood stabilizer and I'm totally fine with that. My mood flies off the handle more than I can count and it's taking it's toll on me as well as my boyfriend. Not to mention with this surgery my body is going thru so many changes that I'm sure don't help the situation any either.
Don't get me wrong. My relationship is by no means perfect. No relationship is. But nothing justifies treating someone you love poorly just because you can.

On September 4th, 2018 I had weight loss surgery.

There are so many people who have negative comments when someone finds out someone had WLS. "Why can't you just lose the weight on your own?" "That's the easy way out." "You're just going to gain it all back."

As someone who has been overweight their entire life, tried EVERY SINGLE weight loss diet, drink, pill, program on the planet. It's not easy. If I could have lost it on my own don't you think I would have? Some of us just can't. There is nothing wrong with WLS. And it is so far from the "easy way out."
Every single day is a struggle. I prepped for months prior to even getting my surgery date. I had to meet with a therapist, a nutritionist, my surgeon, my doctor. They don't just let anyone have WLS. You have to qualify.

It's not easy. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. They removed 90% of my stomach. Being able to eat what you want, when you want, how much you want and then overnight not being able to eat anything IS HARD. I sat on my couch and cried. You don't get to be almost 360lbs from not liking to eat. Yup, I started this journey at 360 pounds. For days I regretted having the surgery. Wondered what the hell I did to myself and if it was worth it. But 3 months later I can sit here and tell you I would do it all over again. This was the BEST thing I have ever done. I didn't do this for anyone else other than myself. For my health. My life.

Sure, eating sucks. It's hard. I'm never hungry and have to force myself to eat. I can't eat more than 2 to 4 bites of something before it becomes painful. Carbs are out of the question. They make me the sickest. But the changes I am seeing make it worth it. I'm fitting in clothing I haven't fit in in years. I'm wearing clothing I never would have dreamed of even trying on. I am obviously by no means even close to where I want to be weight wise but I'm getting there and that's all that matters.

Don't let ANYONE talk you out of making a choice for your health, your future, YOUR life. I didn't listen to anyone who told me not to do it. I did it for me and I have never been happier with a decision.

The first picture is pre surgery. The second is today. 1 week short of being 3 months post op.

Do it for you!